You're Doing it Right
by x.Flavor of the Day.x
Summary: Have you ever wondered what would happen if the US annexed part of Canada? What if you put Organization XIII in front of a news camera? What if they both happened AT THE SAME TIME? AU, Crack!Pairings, etc.


**A/N: HI! This is Shayrazor and The Ninja Pimp with our collaborative story we call "You're Doing it Right" which has absolutely no connection to the story whatsoever. Let us make this clear that we do **_**not**_** write for you or reviews, we write for us. Flames will be mocked severely and constructive criticism may or may not be ignored. Try reading it aloud in your best David Wenham voice. It's so much more fun that way. **

**We are aware that this is technically a Kingdom Hearts/Discworld crossover, but frankly, my dear, we don't give a damn. Kingdom Hearts is the biggest crossover in the world, anyway. **

**Disclaimer: If we found out that we owned either Kingdom Hearts or Discworld, our heads would probably explode. Whether this is due to spontaneous combustion or sheer fangirlishness is up to you. **

**Warnings: Salty language, sexual innuendo, screwing with history, overly glorified cameos, and thorough AUness. Also, the authors are lazy. **

**(P-p-p-pagebreak)**

"As if! Why would you close down the station?!"

"I'm afraid you don't get enough viewers. Your ratings have plummeted this past month," Maleficent said with a sneer. She silenced the oncoming protests with a wave of her hand.

"If," She continued, "You raise your ratings by the end of next month, I will not cancel you."

She allowed the twelve other occupants of her office some small hope, the greatest of gifts. There was no way they could salvage their programming in time. Not with a leader like Xemnas. He didn't even show up for their meetings!

**(P-p-p-pagebreak)**

"I always knew she was a witch," Axel grumbled.

"Xemnas will know what to do!" Demyx exclaimed, his usual perky self.

"What?" He asked when he realized everyone was staring at him.

"You are honestly thinking of telling Xemnas? Really?"

"Yeah," Demyx was getting nervous; Saïx growled.

"As if! He'll flay us alive!" Xigbar's usual lazy tone was gone. Demyx, and everyone else, blanched.

"So it's agreed?" Saïx said, "We don't tell Xemnas."

"Don't tell Xemnas what?"

Everyone looked up guiltily.

"Nothing, Superior," They said in unison.

"Oh, all right, then." Xemnas walked away; seemingly oblivious to the odd stares he was receiving.

Several minutes passed before anyone could find his voice. Oddly enough, it was Zexion who spoke first.

"Well, that was certainly odd," He mused. His voice seemed to shock the others out of their silence and Roxas spoke up.

"Don't we all have to be at the studio now?" He asked, looking at his watch.

There were several riffs on the theme of "Oh, hell! We're going to be late!" And they dashed down the hall.

Leon's cell phone rang. He quickly answered.

"I don't _know_ how to get downtown. It's on the corner of Gleam Street and Murdoch," Leon snapped. "Just get there and I won't kill you."

**(P-p-p-pagebreak)**

A mere two minutes and thirteen seconds later, Xemnas was sitting at his large newscaster's desk, cool and unruffled as usual. Or so it seemed. (Cue ominous music)

He had just gotten a call from a very irate Zexion, telling him that he and his colleague, Axel, were going to be late, and Xemnas should try to stall in any way he could.

He sneered with disgust. Imagine, _his_ reporters late to the scene! That kind of thing happened at the _Interstellar Inquirer_, but never at _his _station!

Well, as Demyx would probably say, "Ya gotta do what'cha gotta do." How childish.

He waved away the aide who was fussing with his hair, making sure that every piece was perfectly gelled into place, (Come on, you think that it's _natural_?) as the music began to play.

The studio's technician, Squall "Leon" Leonhart, made the countdown, "And we're on in 3… 2… 1… and _action_!"

"Good morning Radiant Garden. This is Xemnas with your morning news. Our top story today is the raid of one of the 'Heartless' gang's storehouses last night. But before we go into that, here is Xaldin with the report on our morning commute." He ignored Leon's confused expression, instead giving Xaldin a very significant look.

Leon shrugged and turned the camera to the man, who, as Xemnas could now see, was sleeping with his mouth open and a string of drool hanging out. Xemnas swiftly grabbed a pen and, with surprising accuracy, flung it at Xaldin, hitting him directly between the eyes.

Xaldin yelped and fell back. Xemnas rolled his eyes and clasped his head in his hand, but to his credit, Xaldin recovered beautifully.

"Ha! Erm…yes! Thank you Xemnas! There were two major accidents this morning, at the intersection of Gleam Street and Villafranca de los Barros street and the orphanage located on Rae-Edzo avenue. The first accident this morning was caused by the driver falling asleep at the wheel, as it were."

He gave a false sounding laugh as Leon panned out to show both of the men. "Perhaps there is a case of narcolepsy going around. Hahaaahha." He withered under the head-anchor's glare as Xemnas replied.

"Yes. Perhaps."

While Xemnas and Xaldin were stalling for time by chatting about the traffic accident, Roxas went quietly up to Leon and handed him a piece of paper.

"What's this?" Leon whispered.  
"This is the story on the second traffic accident. The orphanage one. Zexion is running behind and we need to stall," Roxas whispered back.

Leon frowned but nodded and began typing something at a rapid pace on the keyboard next to him.

Xemnas stopped trying to stall when he noticed text go across the screen of the teleprompter.

He cleared his throat, "In other news, the ice cream man went to deliver free ice cream to the blind orphans at the Sunshine Sanctuary for Blind Orphans, which is located on Rae-Edzo avenue. The truck swerved to avoid a moogle, flipped over, and crashed into the orphanage. The resulting explosion destroyed the building.

"There were no survivors."

Xemnas put on a sad look and said, "I'm sure our thoughts and prayers go out to the families of the orphan—GODDAMMIT!"

Roxas stifled a laugh along with most of the viewers at home, and Leon had to turn away to hide his smile.

Xemnas was saved from trying to redeem himself when he clutched at his heart and fell backwards in his chair. The resounding crash woke Xaldin from his post-traffic report nap, and he fell backwards in his chair as well.

In the resulting pandemonium, Leon flipped a switch and the only thing the viewers could see was the polite "We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by" instead of everyone _freaking out _around Xemnas. The next five minutes went something like this:

"Sir, Xemnas, are you all right?"

Xemnas reached into the left breast pocket of his suit and pulled out a cell phone with an _adorable _little charm on it. He flipped it open.

"Hello?" He asked.

There was a faint voice on the other end of the line.

"Yes, _okay_, Axel," Xemnas sighed.

The voice said something again, louder this time.

"Axel, I don't know how you tell if a mongoose is rabid. Just wrap it up and avoid bleeding on the equipment, it's expensive."

Xemnas listened for a little while.

"Okay. _Goodbye_, Axel." Xemnas sighed again and looked up at all the anxious faces surrounding him.

"What are you looking at? Haven't you seen a man talk on a cell phone before? Get back to work! We have a show to do!"

Xemnas pulled himself up using his desk and set his clothes to rights. Leon gave the countdown and Xemnas gave his best false, winning smile.

"We apologize for any inconvenience. Our top story today; one of the notorious gangs, the 'Heartless' had one of their store houses raided late last night. We now go to our men on the scene, Zexion and Axel."

**(What were Zexion and Axel doing the whole time?)**

"Zexion! You need to drive faster! We're going to be late!" Axel said, shifting in the passenger seat of Zexion's car.

"I'm going the speed limit, Axel," Zexion rolled his eyes.

"You can go faster! Xemnas will _kill_ us if we're late!" Axel was really getting nervous.

"We're not going to be late. Calm down, you're distracting me." Zexion really wished he had a different partner. If there were a competition for annoying Zexion, Axel would be unbeatable.

Zexion's musings were interrupted when he had to slam on the breaks.

"Now we're going to be really late," Axel groaned, looking at the destruction.

One of the transport trucks for the zoo had crashed into a delivery truck. The resulting mess of animals out of their smashed cages and packages blocked the road. The exact physics of the collision are still a mystery.

Zexion's mind was already forming a plan.

"Axel, you go move some of those boxes out of the way," He ordered. "I'll tell Xemnas we're going to be late."

Axel nodded and got out of the car. Zexion nearly smacked his forehead in exasperation when he saw Axel trip over a box. This would take a while.

'_Maybe if the world __**wasn't**__ full of such utter morons,'_ He thought.

He pulled out his slim, black phone and flipped it open. Zexion pressed the one button. Ah, the wonders of speed dial. Axel moved yet more boxes while he waited for Xemnas to pick up his phone.

When it finally did stop ringing, it was Saïx who answered.

Zexion sighed, "Saïx there was an accident. We're going to be late." As he listened to Saïx's irate reply, he saw Axel conversing loudly with a surprisingly familiar blond man. Axel lifted a crate by the lid, obviously trying to impress the man. Zexion tuned away. Axel's stupidity irked him.

"Well, I am sorry, but there is nothing we can do about it until the road is clear."

"AWW, MOTHER _FU_--"

"Shut _up_, Axel, do _not_ anger me," Zexion yelled out the window.

A quick survey of the road told Zexion that there was now enough room for his sleek Audi to pass though. "All right, Saïx, we'll be there in about," Zexion consulted his mental map of the city, "Five minutes." He got out of the car, grabbed the back of Axel's collar, ignoring the man's protests, and drug him back to the car.

"Bye," He said into his phone, hanging up as they got back into the car.

They sped off.

"Zexy, I got bit by mongoose, I think, and now my hand's bleeding…" He shoved his bloodied hand in Zexion's face, "Kiss it better, Zexy."

"I am not a violent person, Axel, but by Ifrit, if you bleed on the seats, the consequences will be severe.

"And don't call me 'Zexy'"

Axel grumbled but went quiet, trying to staunch the bleeding in his coat pocket.

Zexion sighed, "Here," He said, procuring a handkerchief from his pocket and holding it in Axel's general direction.

"Thanks," Axel took the proffered handkerchief and wrapped it around his bleeding hand. Axel prodded the area around the wound and frowned.

"Hey, Zexion? Should this feel numb?"

"I wouldn't know. I've never provoked a mongoose into biting me."

"Could it have had rabies?" Axel worried.

"Have you seen a mongoose before, much less, a rabid one?"

"I put a ferret down Reno's pants once."

Zexion made a mental note and filed it under "Don't ask" while parallel parking in front of a burned-out factory warehouse.

"Call Xemnas. I'll go find Reno," Zexion exited the car and glanced around for the camera operator's familiar red truck.

There was a horrible screeching noise as the aforementioned red Pickup swerved around the corner. It turned sharply, barely missing Zexion, and slammed sideways into the curb.

Zexion rolled his eyes and turned to Axel.

"Axel, I believe that we are ready to start."

He turned back to Reno, who was already setting up.

"Where is the sound guy? Setzer, was it? "

Reno grinned cheekily. "Can't find him. Apparently he just up and left. Now, what I think is that he's on the run from the cops, probably for something like child molestation, cuz he really reminds me of like, Michael Devlin or someone. Just my opinion, though. Whatever it was, Mansex is pissed."

"So, was there a point to saying that? A simple 'He's not here' would have sufficed. What are we going to do about sound?"

Reno grinned and tapped the side of his nose. "Don't worry, Zexy. When we were stuck in traffic, I saw this guy I knew in college. He was a couple of years younger but that's cool…" he looked around, then back at his car and frowned. "Cloudster, stop being such a candyass and get out here."

Zexion's eyes narrowed as the tall, blond man stepped shakily out of the car.

"Guys, this is Cloud Strife. He's gonna temp as our sound guy, now that Setzer's on the run from the fuzz."

"Right. Well, let's get started," Axel pulled the thoughtful Zexion in front of the warehouse with his good hand as Reno and Cloud finished setting up their equipment.

Zexion grabbed his microphone when Axel pushed it at him and seemed to come out of his thoughtful daze, shaking his head to chase away lingering thoughts.

Reno looked up at him. "Dude, Mansex just gave me the go-ahead."

Zexion straightened his jacket while Axel attempted to tame his spikes.

Reno had his equipment and began the unnecessarily dramatic countdown,

"3…

2…

1…"

"Hello Radiant Garden" Zexion began, "We are standing in front of Bucket Co's wooden bucket factory warehouse, which the notorious Heartless gang recently used to store narcotics."

Axel smoothly cut in, "The warehouse was subject to a drug bust by the vigilante group known as the 'Night Watch.' We had an interview scheduled with Captain Carrot of the Night Watch, but it seems that--" Axel stopped talking when a muscular man, about six feet tall, stepped out of the shadows. It was menacing, to say the least.

"Am I late? I saw a kitten stuck in a tree a few blocks away and I got it down," said Carrot.

"Hello, Captain," Zexion said, Axel still a little intimidated by Carrot, "You're not late at all."

The following interview will be conducted in script format for your reading convenience. 

Zexion: Thanks for joining us, Captain Carrot

Carrot: Just doing my duty.

Zexion: So, what made you suspect that there were illicit substances on the premise?

Carrot: Well, we noticed that the orphans were acting funny.

Zexion: And… you traced it to a narcotics ring…?

Carrot: We thought it weird that the ice cream man was giving them ice cream for free, right? So, we followed the ice cream truck and it ended up here. We thought it was really strange that the ice cream man would go to a bucket factory. We figured that something must be up.

Zexion: Was there definite proof, or did you act on 'gut feeling?'

Carrot: Well, I don't know. Mister Vimes told me there were narcotics in the building. And Mister Vimes is _always_ right.

Zexion: Always?

Carrot: _**Always. **_

Zexion: Okay…And what exactly did you find?

Carrot: Cocaine.

Axel: What kind of sick bastard would feed cocaine to blind orphans?

Carrot: Wait. Are you allowed to say that on live television?

Axel: No worries. Cloud'll bleep it out.

Cloud: Actually, I didn't. Nobody told me how to work this damn thing.

Axel: Cloud, you bitch! Shut your fucking mouth!

Carrot: Uh, guys…

Zexion: Axel! Stop being such a whore and get on with it!

Reno: Actually, whores pride themselves at 'getting on with it' quite quickly.

Zexion: And you would know.

Carrot: Well, at least they won't be able to do it anymore.

Reno: What, the whores?

Carrot: No, the drug dealers. They won't be able to give the blind orphans any more cocaine.

Axel: Well, yeah. They ran out of orphans.

Carrot: Mr. Wederwacht! I am ashamed of you! What do you say?

Axel: …sorry.

Carrot: Sorry for what?

Axel: Sorry for making light of a serious situation.

Carrot: And you won't be doing it again, will you?

Axel: …no…

Carrot: Good. *pats head*

Zexion: And that concludes our interview with Captain Carrot! Thank you for the interview, Sir, and thank you for watching.

[/interview]

Xemnas' palm came up against his face in exasperation. After that fiasco of an interview…sometimes he wondered if they were joking. Glancing down at the list of questions they were _supposed_ to have asked… Well, it could have been worse. Except for the fact that they never mentioned the vigilante group, the Night Watch, in the interview, or asked any questions about _why_ the drugs were given away for free. Now the hapless readers would never know unless by some poorly constructed plot device or inner monologue. Xemnas sat up, looked at the camera and realized that he had been facepalming for the past few minutes.

"And now, Demyx with the weather!" He said, false smile neatly in place.

The cameras focused on Demyx, who was lying on his desk, trying to cross his eyes with his pen. Someone, probably Leon, cleared his throat, and Demyx did a backwards summersault off his desk, sticking the landing and bowing to the camera.

"_Hello_, Radiant Garden! Today, it's gonna be sunny, with a high of 80 degrees, and a chance of sprinkles in the afternoon. So you should all go outside, today! Wash your car! Work in your garden! Spend time with your fam--"

With that, Xemnas cut him off. "Thank you, Demyx, for the report! That's it for the local news this morning. Stay with us for Lexaeus with sports."

Leon shut off the camera. "And cut, people, that's a wrap."

**(To be continued…) **

**AN: For those of you who are interested, Mansex's ringtone is "You Spin Me Right Round (Like A Record)" By Dead or Alive because it's FABULOUS! Go watch the music video. Right now. Leave a review if you feel like it, but just know that we won't cry if you don't. Second chapter will come out eventually. **

**KTHNXBAI!**


End file.
